Ten Things NOT to Say on a Pickleball Court

We here at Murmurs from the Losers’ Bracket are keenly aware of the sound issues that have arisen with the popularity of pickleball.

As courts spring up near existing residential areas, some neighbors to the courts complain that pickleball has become too loud for its own good. 

Most of the complaints have to do with the sharp, percussive sound that is made when paddles strike pickleballs. As a result, manufacturers have begun introducing balls made of foam, instead of the noisier plastic, and paddles made with surfaces that reduce the sound of impact.

But, we here at MFTLB would like to address the kind of nuisance sounds that are more easily avoided. I’m talking about the sounds that come out of pickleball players’ mouths when they are playing. 

Clearly, we pickleball players can do a better job at reducing these bothersome sounds coming from our pie holes.

So, with that in mind, here are Murmurs from the Losers’ Bracket present a list of …

The Top Ten Things You Shouldn’t Say on a Pickleball Court   

1. “You stay on your side of the court, and I’ll stay on mine.” 

Some players imagine that the centerline that runs perpendicular to the baseline and the non-volley-zone line splits not only the court in half, but provides doubles partners a boundary on their coverage areas in the middle of the court. 

As if it’s the side of the court where the ball bounces that determines who handles the shot. 

This is not a good way to play. Balls that bounce near the middle are often better returned by the player who is cross-court from the opponent who hit the ball. Even if those balls land on the other side of the centerline. 

Forehand-vs-backhand also may determine which opponent returns a shot down the middle. And being tethered by an invisible six-foot rope to your partner during dinking battles makes the equal sharing of a court space irrelevant. 

Doubles partners learn to talk to each other to resolve responsibilities of returning balls during rallies. The centerline is just there to make sure that serves fall on the proper side of the court. 

Once the serve is made, that centerline is, at best, a suggestion – not a boundary.  

***

2. “Yes, I hit you in the face, but it’s part of the game.” 

There’s sometimes a real disparity in skill levels during open play in recreational situations. This can put vigorous bangers and timid, inexperienced players across the net from each other.

When players who like to hit every shot with all their might don’t calibrate their often wild game against players who are clearly squeamish and not ready or capable of handling the assault, this can lead to friction.

I have been on courts where a player refuses to continue the game due to the relentless drives delivered head high from a random open-play opponent. 

I find myself sympathizing with the timid player. Yes, in the long run, he or she should learn to get comfortable playing against bangers by volleying their drives, or stepping aside to let them sail over the baseline. But in the short run of having fun during a no-stakes open-court game, it should be incumbent on the banger to realize – for the sake of good sportsmanship – that it’s time to adjust his or her game to the competition.

Directing drives at 100 percent power against a player who appears to be defenseless is not the way to have fun. 

And rationalizing it by telling that player that it’s “part of the game” is both true and a sorry excuse not to dial it back a notch or two.

***  

3. “Can we play that again?” 

There are very few valid reasons for a do-over in the rules of pickleball. The most common is if a ball from another court enters your court during play, causing a potential dangerous situation. 

Play is stopped, and it’s a do-over on the serve. 

Too often, though, some players think that calling a “do over” is a good way to resolve a questionable line call. 

“Oh, you say it’s out. Well, I don’t think so. Let’s replay the rally.” 

That’s not how it’s supposed to work. The rules call for the line calls to be made by the team on the side where the ball landed. If those players didn’t get a good look at it, they could ask the opposing players to decide for them whether it was in or out. 

The call, either way, stands. There’s no do-over. So, quit asking for one. 

***

4. “I could have hit that one.”

This is just about the worst thing you can say to your partner after he or she flubs a ball down the middle. Your opinion in this case is not being sought, and in the end, only helps to put your partnership in this game on shaky ground. 

You’d be much better off saying nothing, or tapping your paddles and saying, “It’s all good. We got this.” 

***

5. “Yours!” 

“Yours”, like “mine” is a great way to communicate with your partner when a ball is hit to you in a place where either of you could play it. 

It’s all about the timing, though. If it’s said after the fact, when it’s clear nobody’s going to get the ball, it’s more of an insult or a placing of blame than a recommendation. 

Same thing goes when the opposing player hits a dink while you and your partner are planted on the baseline and neither of you have a prayer to hit the ball. 

***

6. “I think you belong on the courts reserved for beginners.”

If you get in an open-play game with a player who clearly plays at a lower level, it’s best to be kind and offer pointers if they’re well received during the game you play together.

By the end of the game, that player will be both grateful and fully aware that he or she should find other players. You won’t have to say anything to make this happen. 

But if all you do is cast judgment on that player from the start, you’re stirring up animosity and missing an opportunity to help somebody on their way up. 

***

7. “OK, partner. Our strategy is to lob it to the old woman with the knee brace and the suction cup on the end of her paddle’s handle.”

Remember the stakes. You’re playing for recreation. There’s no money on the line. No tournament standings in the balance. 

Find a way to play that doesn’t resemble those wildlife videos that show how lions prey on the weak members of the zebra herd.

***

8. “I don’t go to the net. I like to play from back here.” 

Not trying to get to the net in pickleball is like deciding that you will walk, and not run, the bases in baseball. 

Getting better at pickleball requires getting used to playing at the non-volley-zone line. Yes, it’s possible to play a whole game without getting anywhere near that line. But it will be a game you lose. 

And it will be really hard to keep finding partners willing to play with you if you fall back in the court during rallies as a matter of preference.

***

9. “Timeout. I need to do a quick zoom call with my broker.”

Some people have complicated, busy lives. And things happen by surprise from time to time. 

So, I don’t blame people for bringing their cell phones to the court in an effort to stay connected to the outside world. After all, they might feel better playing if they knew their loved ones could reach them in the case of an emergency. 

But some people decide that being in the middle of a pickleball game is no reason to stop taking non-emergency calls for matters that could clearly wait until after the game. 

***

10. “I brought a boom box. It’s time to get pumped with some Black Sabbath. Whoo!”

It’s safe to assume that your musical selections, while perfectly acceptable to you, are not what some other players on your court – and the other courts within earshot – want to listen to while they play. 

If you think the sound of the ball hitting the paddle is hard to take, try being subjected to the sound of “Iron Man” while you dink.

MURMURS FROM THE LOSERS’ BRACKET

Read past editions of Murmurs from the Losers’ Bracket, including:

• Oh, the Horror! Playing with a Pickleball Partner who won’t Move Up
• Not a Softie When it Comes to Pickleball with a Foam Ball
• Do Pickleball Prayers Get Answered?
• Ten Tips for Being “Nice” at Pickleball
• Attention Pickleballers: Be On The Lookout For “Ball Blowers”
• The Etiquette Crisis with “Open Play”
• Lob into the Sun? Maybe, Maybe Not
• Mastering the Diplomacy of Round-Robin Scheduling 
• Confessions of a Paddle Addict
  

Frank Cerabino is a long-time columnist for the Palm Beach Post in Florida, a pickleball addict like the rest of us, and a newly published author. Check out Frank’s newly released book, I Dink, Therefore I Am: Coming to Grips with My Pickleball Addiction (available on Amazon and a great read (or gift!) for any pickleball player), for pickleball tips and laughs!